The opposites game

My friend’s mom passed away today. Just a few months after treatment began, she is gone. She leaves behind so many who love her… wonderful children, a loving husband, and friends who loved her. Thoughts and memories of her love are remembered by those who knew her.

My heart breaks as I think about her loss. I have not stopped thinking about her since I found out her mom was sick. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year and is battling paraneoplastic antibody syndrome due to the cancer. There is little research done on this since most people who get this horrible affliction die shortly after. He has made it over a year and is getting better. But my parents have no positive outlook on life. They bitch, moan, and complain about anything and everything. There is no positivity or encouragement with these people. For them, the glass is always half full – of shit. There was no love after my wedding. Just a “Well, that’s that.” There was never any “follow your dreams” but rather reminders to fit in and don’t make waves. Play it safe. Never any thought about happiness. Don’t follow your heart and so much “you can’t do that”. I was never taught how to give out of love and was charged for stamps if I wanted to write a friend. Generosity was something that was given to them, never to show to another person.

My heart is breaking for my friend. She was lucky enough to have someone in her life like her mother. A beam of sunshine, a lighthouse in the storm. A rock to turn to and a fountain of unconditional love. I don’t have a scientific reason as to why we are who we are or how we come to have a certain mindset. But I do know one thing… we may not grow up being taught the right way, but it is possible to become a better person by doing the exact opposite of what we are taught.

Toxic love

My friend’s mom is dying. She is now resting at home with hospice.  Earlier this year, it was found that she had advanced cancer and so my friend moved her mother across the country to live with her.  My heart breaks for my friend.  From what I saw as an outsider to the family, she had a loving bond with her mother.  Her mother always supported her, was there for her emotional health, and helped her in any way if she needed it.

At this point in my life, quite a few of my friends have lost their mothers.  So many of my friends talk about the loss of their best friend, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, their support, their everything.  My mother is still alive, but I don’t know what it is like to have a mother like those of which my friends speak.  I am not close to mine.  She causes anxiety in my life that I choose not to visit that often and have to take Xanax in order to visit her.

While I don’t mourn the loss of a mother, I mourn the loss of what I never had.

At one point, I thought I had a good relationship with my mother.  I found out I was wrong early in my childhood.  I learned that her love was only based upon conditions and if I decided to follow my own path, I would not have her love.  Encouragement was only if I chose something that coincided with her wishes, and if I dared stray I would see my mother turn into something so full of anger that rage would fill her eyes as she turned into a monster.

I needed to leave and get away from such a toxic relationship.  Things were so bad as a child that I prayed I would no longer be under her care.  That someone else would take care of me or that death would release me from this hell I was living.  Or perhaps in my moments of hope there was some mix-up and I was in the wrong family and that my real family would come and rescue me and love me for who I am, and not as someone else’s ideas of what should have been.

Those were just dreams of a young girl who was never rescued.

My heart goes out to my friend who is about to lose her beloved friend, but in the same moment I am quite jealous of her.

It is truly better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.