Posts Tagged ‘paraneoplastic antibody syndrome’

My friend’s mom passed away today. Just a few months after treatment began, she is gone. She leaves behind so many who love her… wonderful children, a loving husband, and friends who loved her. Thoughts and memories of her love are remembered by those who knew her.

My heart breaks as I think about her loss. I have not stopped thinking about her since I found out her mom was sick. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year and is battling paraneoplastic antibody syndrome due to the cancer. There is little research done on this since most people who get this horrible affliction die shortly after. He has made it over a year and is getting better. But my parents have no positive outlook on life. They bitch, moan, and complain about anything and everything. There is no positivity or encouragement with these people. For them, the glass is always half full – of shit. There was no love after my wedding. Just a “Well, that’s that.” There was never any “follow your dreams” but rather reminders to fit in and don’t make waves. Play it safe. Never any thought about happiness. Don’t follow your heart and so much “you can’t do that”. I was never taught how to give out of love and was charged for stamps if I wanted to write a friend. Generosity was something that was given to them, never to show to another person.

My heart is breaking for my friend. She was lucky enough to have someone in her life like her mother. A beam of sunshine, a lighthouse in the storm. A rock to turn to and a fountain of unconditional love. I don’t have a scientific reason as to why we are who we are or how we come to have a certain mindset. But I do know one thing… we may not grow up being taught the right way, but it is possible to become a better person by doing the exact opposite of what we are taught.

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Since Feb. 8th, I have been helping take care of my dad. It started out with a trip to the ER. I have driven my mom and dad to nearly every dr. appt. I’ve also driven my mom all over creation – back & forth to the nursing home, shopping, hairdresser  sometimes back and forth between places for paperwork, to sell their truck, the bank, the medical supply store. All the while, not asking for gas money or even getting a thank you, or acknowledging I am taking time away from my own family.

 

Over the past three+ months, I have taken time out to help but it all came to an end over an argument over a few drops of water on the floor. I was getting my dad a glass of water (in the special double handled cup I made him, mind you) and got a few drops of water on the floor.  My mom freaked out and started screaming that she ‘just mopped the floor!’ and I was making such a mess. I didn’t do anything malicious. Or purposely spilling water across the room in a frenzy. I was getting my dad, who is now a paraplegic, a cup of water. And I got some droplets of water on the floor. So, of course, now I am a horrible person who is creating more messes than they are helping.  I was shocked. Astounded, really. And offended. Here I was offering help. I’m the only person showing up (who’s not getting paid) to help them. Every day. Every. Freaking. Day.

 

I have to be done. I can’t do this anymore. I feel put upon, used, and mistreated. I don’t deserve to have my feelings hurt and I should not be treated like that. It took me an hour to drive to and from their house to help out, countless hours doing PT exercises, using a Hoyer to move him from wheelchair to recliner or bed, errands, appointments, yardwork.  If a few drops of water are a reason to yell at me and make me feel like I am more of a bother, then for my own sanity, I am finished.