Posts Tagged ‘loss’

My friend’s mom is dying. She is now resting at home with hospice.  Earlier this year, it was found that she had advanced cancer and so my friend moved her mother across the country to live with her.  My heart breaks for my friend.  From what I saw as an outsider to the family, she had a loving bond with her mother.  Her mother always supported her, was there for her emotional health, and helped her in any way if she needed it.

At this point in my life, quite a few of my friends have lost their mothers.  So many of my friends talk about the loss of their best friend, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, their support, their everything.  My mother is still alive, but I don’t know what it is like to have a mother like those of which my friends speak.  I am not close to mine.  She causes anxiety in my life that I choose not to visit that often and have to take Xanax in order to visit her.

While I don’t mourn the loss of a mother, I mourn the loss of what I never had.

At one point, I thought I had a good relationship with my mother.  I found out I was wrong early in my childhood.  I learned that her love was only based upon conditions and if I decided to follow my own path, I would not have her love.  Encouragement was only if I chose something that coincided with her wishes, and if I dared stray I would see my mother turn into something so full of anger that rage would fill her eyes as she turned into a monster.

I needed to leave and get away from such a toxic relationship.  Things were so bad as a child that I prayed I would no longer be under her care.  That someone else would take care of me or that death would release me from this hell I was living.  Or perhaps in my moments of hope there was some mix-up and I was in the wrong family and that my real family would come and rescue me and love me for who I am, and not as someone else’s ideas of what should have been.

Those were just dreams of a young girl who was never rescued.

My heart goes out to my friend who is about to lose her beloved friend, but in the same moment I am quite jealous of her.

It is truly better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

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